Beyond 'Good Job': The Power of Being Truly Seen

A while back I picked up the book How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk and had one of those lightbulb moments. The authors explain that when we describe what a child does ("You put away all your blocks") rather than offering evaluative praise ("Good job cleaning up!"), children complement themselves, get a dopamine release, and develop intrinsic motivation.

This doesn't just apply to children—it's relevant for adults too. When someone witnesses what we did rather than sharing how they feel about what we did, we internalize our own value instead of seeking external validation.

This hit close to home. I've spent so much of my life "doing" and seeking approval that I rarely practice "being" and truly seeing others—which means I can miss what's right under my nose.

Beneath the surface of praise

Consider these two approaches:

• "You're such a good artist!" (Evaluative praise)
• "I noticed you used many different colors in your drawing, colored in the lines, and paid attention to special details." (Acknowledgment)

With the first approach, the child learns that they need to be "good at art" to be valued. With the second, they can decide for themselves how they feel about their work. The same dynamic applies in our adult relationships.
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I like to think of acknowledgment as holding up a clear mirror rather than offering a judgment. When we praise, we place ourselves as the evaluator – "I think you did a good job." But when we acknowledge, we reflect back what we observe, allowing the other person to see themselves clearly through our witnessing. The mirror doesn't judge what it reflects; it simply shows what is there, allowing the person to form their own relationship with what they see.

The challenge for busy achievers
For those of us with busy minds and achievement-oriented tendencies, descriptive acknowledgment can feel uncomfortable. It requires slowing down to observe, being present in the moment, and looking beyond outcomes to what's actually happening. 

How do we put this into practice...
For Parents:

• Replace "Good job!" with specific observations: "You zipped up your coat all by yourself."
• Notice effort rather than results: "You worked on that puzzle for 15 minutes."

For Leaders & Managers:

• Transform "nice work" feedback into specific descriptions: "I noticed you asked clarifying questions and documented each decision."
• Create space in team meetings for sharing observations without evaluation.

For Friends & Family: 

• Instead of "You look great!" try "I notice you're smiling more today." 
• Replace "You're so thoughtful" with "You remembered my favorite tea and brought it over." 
• When someone shares a challenge, resist solving and simply witness: "You've been dealing with a lot lately and still showing up."

​And, after offering acknowledgment, embrace the power of silence. Simply pause. Create space. When you resist filling the air with more words, something magical happens – people begin to truly absorb being seen. You'll be amazed at how they light up from within as they receive your observation and recognize themselves in it.

What changed?
Following these principles, I began practicing descriptive acknowledgment instead of evaluative praise. With my nine-year-old, instead of "You're so brave!" I am trying to say things like "You got back on your skateboard after falling three times." And I watch as she develops more resilience.

With coaching clients, I've been trained to not "vote" on how I feel about their actions or choices but instead to observe and acknowledge what they've actually done and who they are being. When someone shares an accomplishment, I might note, "You committed to that difficult conversation and followed through, even though it made you uncomfortable." And then I pause as they process and develop more resilience.

And not surprisingly, changing how I speak to others transformed how I speak to myself. Instead of "I should have done better," I’ll acknowledge what I DID do, "I prepared thoroughly and spoke clearly, even though I was nervous."

The ripple effects of this practice in my relationships have been profound. My conversations have deepened as people feel seen rather than evaluated. I've noticed friends and family opening up more, sharing vulnerabilities they might have kept hidden when they were seeking approval.

And my relationship with myself has transformed. The inner critic that used to dominate my thoughts with constant evaluations ("you should have done better," "that wasn't good enough") has quieted.

Progress over perfection
This work isn't about getting it perfect. As a coach, acknowledgment is a critical skill and it has been one of the harder ones for me. When in doubt, I focus on what actually happened: "You set a big goal for yourself and it looks like you've just achieved it" or "It seems like you learned something important from this..." Each time you successfully acknowlege someone, you're creating new neural pathways of discernment and compassion for yourself and those you are in relationship with.

In service,
Megan

P.S.: What's one situation where you find yourself automatically jumping to evaluative praise rather than descriptive acknowledgment? I'm eager to hear your experience.