Ever heard of WAIT? "Why Am I Talking?"

Have you ever met someone who seemed to need to fill up the silence and wondered, "why are they still talking?" Have you ever caught yourself in the middle of a lengthy explanation and wondered the same about yourself?

An important lesson I learned about myself over recent years is how easy it is to take up a lot of space in conversations as a shield against losing control or to please others. This is where the powerful practice of WAIT (Why Am I Talking?) intersects with understanding our saboteurs.

Words can heal or harm, elevate or diminish. They can build bridges of understanding or walls of separation. The most potent aspect of our words isn't just what we say, but when, how, and why we choose to say them.
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The Voices Behind Our Words
We all have these inner voices—our saboteurs—that we believe protect us, but actually hold us back. What's fascinating is how each saboteur uses excessive talking for different reasons. Listen closely, and you might recognize which ones are driving your own communication patterns:

​The Controller: "I need to keep talking because if I stop, I might lose control of this conversation. If I don't direct everything, who knows where things might go? I better keep explaining to make sure everyone follows MY plan."

• The Pleaser: "I need to keep talking because there's an awkward silence and I should fill it. People might be uncomfortable if I don't. Did I explain enough? Do they like what I'm saying? I should add more details just to be sure everyone feels acknowledged."
• The Restless: "I need to keep talking because sitting with silence feels uncomfortable. If I stop, I might have to actually feel what's going on beneath the surface. Besides, isn't an energetic conversation better than an awkward pause?"
• The Hyper-Vigilant: "I need to keep talking because I've spotted potential problems nobody else has seen. If I don't verbalize every concern now, something terrible might happen. Better to over-explain than miss something critical."
• The Victim: "I need to keep talking because I'm not sure people fully understand how difficult this has been for me. If I explain one more time, with more details, maybe they'll finally get it and give me the empathy I deserve."
• The Hyper-Achiever: "I need to keep talking to demonstrate just how much I know about this topic. Each additional point proves my expertise and value. If I say more intelligent things, people will recognize my competence."
• The Avoider: "I need to keep talking about these positive things because if I stop, someone might bring up that uncomfortable topic I'd rather not face. As long as I keep the conversation light and moving, we won't have to deal with anything difficult."
• The Stickler: "I need to keep talking because I'm not convinced my explanation was precise enough. There's still room for misinterpretation. I should clarify just one more point, add one more example, to make sure it's perfectly understood."
• The Hyper-Rational: "I need to keep talking about the logical aspects of this situation because exploring the emotional dimensions feels too messy and unpredictable. If I analyze this thoroughly enough, we won't have to deal with feelings at all."

Breaking Free: From Explanation to Presence
When we recognize which saboteur is driving our need to fill space with words, we can make a different choice. The path forward involves:

1. Catching yourself in the act: Notice when you're over-explaining or filling silence with unnecessary words.
2. Pausing to ask WAIT: Why Am I Talking? Which saboteur voice is pushing me to continue? (You might want to take this saboteur assessment if you're curious to learn more about yours.)
3. Choosing presence over protection: What might emerge if I created space instead of filling it? What deeper connection am I avoiding through my words?
4. Practicing bottom-lining: What's the essence of what needs to be said here?

Breaking Free: The Practice of WAIT
Of course, talking is how we share ideas, build connections, and express ourselves authentically. There's nothing wrong with storytelling, exploring ideas aloud, or using conversation to process thoughts. The issue arises when one person dominates conversation without pause or question—when our saboteurs drive us to talk excessively as a defense mechanism rather than as a way to genuinely connect.

When we recognize which saboteur is driving our need to fill space with words, we can make a different choice. The simple act of pausing to ask "Why Am I Talking?" creates space for more authentic connection.

This practice isn't just about catching yourself— you can support those you're in relationship with to communicate more intentionally too. Here's how you can apply WAIT in different contexts:

With Yourself:

• Notice which saboteur drives your communication patterns (Are you trying to control, please, achieve, or avoid?)
• Before speaking, pause and ask: "What's truly important to communicate here?"
• Practice deeper listening—not just to words, but to energy, emotion, and what's not being said
• Challenge yourself to bottom-line your message: "What's the essence of what needs to be said?"
• When you catch yourself over-explaining, try this simple reset: ask what your wisest self would say, and express that truth simply

For Leaders and Managers:

• Create team agreements that welcome productive interruption: "In our meetings, we'll help each other stay focused on what's essential"
• When team members bring lengthy explanations, invite clarity with questions like: "Let's pause for a moment. What's most important here?" or "I notice we might be circling around something. What's underneath all of this?"

​In Personal Relationships:

• Practice stating needs directly: "I need support" rather than explaining all the reasons why
• Create mutual agreements with friends and family to help each other notice when saboteurs might be taking over
• Consider finding a "WAIT buddy"—someone who will compassionately interrupt when you're caught in circular explanation
• When listening to others, help them find their bottom line: "What's the essence of what you're trying to share?"

In coaching, we call this "productive interruption"—not to be rude, but to serve the deeper conversation.

The goal isn't to eliminate stories—stories help us make meaning and connect. The goal is to ensure our stories serve to reveal rather than conceal, to build understanding rather than reinforce barriers.

Words wielded with greater awareness can transform our relationships and even our communities. The most profound connections often happen not in the spaces we fill with our words, but in the openings we create through our willingness to be silent.

What saboteur most often drives your need to keep talking? And what might become possible if you chose to pause instead?