Transform Your Conversations: 3 Levels of Listening

A client and I were talking last week about a challenge they were facing. My mind wandered to a time I faced a similar situation and what I would do if I were them. Oops! Sound familiar?
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We've all experienced times when we felt truly heard and those when someone was just waiting for their turn to speak. The difference comes down to the level of listening being practiced. 

Level 1: Focused on Self ("I hear you, but what about ME?")

• You listen through the filter of your own judgements and agenda
• You plan your response or formulate advice
• You compare their experience to your own similar situation
• Your mind wanders to your to-do list or what you’re doing next

Real-life example: Your colleague shares a challenge they're facing with a project, and you're already thinking about how you solved a similar problem last year. Before they've even finished speaking, you're ready with "Well, what I would do is..."

Level 2: Focused on Other ("I'm completely here with you.")

• You quiet your internal dialogue
• You're fully present with their words and experience
• You set aside the urge to respond
• You notice when you get distracted and gently bring your attention back

Real-life example: Your friend is sharing news about a job opportunity. You ask questions that help them explore what this opportunity means to them. You're focused on understanding their experience, not your response.

Level 3: Focused on Everything ("I'm  hearing your words and I'm sensing the world.")

• You expand our awareness of listening with all of your senses—you notice subtle shifts in tone, body language, energy, and the surrounding environment
• You sense intuitively what isn’t being said and what might be happening beneath the surface

Real-life example: In a team meeting, a colleague says they're "fine" with a new project timeline, but you notice their shoulders tense and their voice tighten. You gently inquire, "I'm sensing some hesitation. Is there an aspect of the timeline that concerns you?"

A 10-Minute Experiment in the 3 Levels of Listening
Try this with a colleague over coffee or with your partner! Choose a topic you both find interesting or meaningful (e.g., "a challenge I'm currently facing" or "something I'm excited about").  While one person speaks for one minute, the other person just listens. Then switch roles and repeat.

1. First round is at Level 1: As the other person speaks, the listener deliberately focuses on their thoughts, judgments, or what they will say next.
2. Second round is at Level 2: The listener focuses entirely on the speaker with curiosity and work to truly absorb what they're saying.
3. Third round is at Level 3: As the other person speaks, the listener expands their awareness to include energy, emotions, what's not being said, and the surrounding environment. Notice their posture, tone shifts, and what lights them up. 
4. Debrief: Spend a few minutes discussing what you each noticed as both speaker and listener. What felt different? When did you feel most connected?

The Practice: Moving Beyond Level 1
Like any meaningful skill, deep listening is a practice, not a destination. The good news? Even small shifts can dramatically transform your relationships, both personal and professional. Here are approaches I've found transformative in my own journey from chronic Level 1 listener to someone working to practice Levels 2 and 3:

First, center yourself (takes just 20 seconds): Take three slow, deep breaths, feel your feet on the ground, silently say to yourself: "I am here to listen"

Then as someone speaks…

• Notice when their energy changes and get curious about what might be happening

• When you catch yourself mentally preparing your response (we all do it!), gently return to listening
• Practice “the pause" - count to 3 internally after they stop speaking before you respond
• Use the magic question: "Is there more?" after someone concludes
• Reflect back what you heard before responding ("What I'm hearing is...")

Why this matters
The beauty of this practice is that it creates a virtuous circle: as we listen more deeply to others, they feel safer to share their authentic experiences, which invites us to listen even more attentively, creating connections that grow increasingly meaningful over time.

What started for me as a coaching skill has become one of the most valuable practices in my life. It's simple, requires no special equipment, and transforms every interaction.

Here's to creating more moments of true connection,
Megan

​P.S. I'd love to hear about your experiences with these different levels of listening! Reply to this email and let me know: What might become possible in your key relationships if you intentionally practiced Levels 2 and 3 more frequently?